A very special friend of mine (I'll call her Sally) was recently
tracked down by a childhood friend of hers who was on the verge of
a nervous breakdown.
This friend (I'll call her Brenda) felt that the
only person she could trust was Sally, she'd only agree to see
mental health professionals if Sally accompanied her, and she only
trusted Sally to make the right decisions for her. All this despite
the fact Brenda's married and has a family that lives near by!
Sally, feeling like she was obliged to care for Brenda, has put her
life on hold and proceeded to take her in, and basically handle her
care completely.
Brenda is not a close friend of Sally's these days and they
hardly ever talk much, but they go back a long way, and when it
came to this crisis, she wanted Sally there. Now, Sally's
everyone's ideal mum (and she has her own two beautiful children),
she's warm, reliable and extremely resourceful. She is a wonderful
friend who I love and value and I count myself blessed to have her
in my own life.
On the face of it, being held in such huge esteem, so much so
that Brenda turned to her in her greatest hour of need, is a great
compliment and endorsement. But is it good for Sally?
Sally is a single mother of two who works full time. It occurred
to me, that if Sally is so special to Brenda, perhaps Brenda should
have made more of an effort when she herself was well and had the
chance to be a good friend to Sally in her time of need -
a chance that Brenda let slip by.
This saga and many others which I have gone through, as well as
experiences of some of my friends, led me to think about toxic
friendships and that it is perhaps something we should be more
aware of and open about. It also occurred to me that it would be a
great topic for Professionelle and that I'd love to hear your
feedback and thoughts.
What are toxic friendships?
I've read many different definitions but basically, a toxic
friend is someone that makes you feel worse rather than better.
These are the friends who, after you have spent time with them,
leave you feeling drained rather than energised. You regularly end
up feeling hurt or upset.
I think most people have had their share of toxic friendships,
as have I. One friend was always late and everything was about her.
Her life was full of huge dramas and busy action, all of which
required lots of my support and understanding. She felt very
comfortable asking me for 'favours', but if I asked for her help
more often than not she had excuses as to why she couldn't help me
- usually involving the dramas.
But, she appeared very supportive in times of need and stress,
in fact when I was down or weak she was ALWAYS there, asking me all
about how I felt and wanting the details of my crisis. However,
what eventually hurt me badly was that I felt she wasn't happy for
me when I was happy and doing well. She was envious of my
achievements. I realised that she was readily supportive when I was
down and weak perhaps because I was worse off than her, and through
helping me she felt better. But when I was doing well, she felt
insecure and envious and became dismissive or manipulative.
You might ask why did I stay friends with her in the first
place? Well, I didn't realise how toxic she was because we had been
friends for a very long time and I felt very loyal to her.
It turns out that I'm not alone. Many women (yes, this is
especially relevant to women) find themselves in similar
situations. Often, a friend isn't toxic to begin with, as was the
case with my friend. But over time, for whatever reason, they might
become this way. The difficulty is to recognise it, because we're
caught up in the relationship and we feel loyal. We might also feel
it's our fault or simply we brush it aside as 'a passing thing'.
Sometime, it is a passing thing. Sometimes, friends go through
tough times and end up taking it on us. Hey, isn't that what
friendships are for? Support and companionship in the good times
and the bad? Yes, I think they are, but there comes a point when
the cost is simply too high.
How do you recognise a toxic friend?
In my case, it was a combination of other peoples' perspectives
and a case of one too many incidents. On occasion, I'd tell my
husband and other close friends about what this woman had said or
done in relation to me, and eventually they started pointing out to
me what was going on - that after I spent time with her I was
irritable and quick to anger and that the things she was saying and
doing were just not on.
I did try to rescue the friendship, but wasn't successful. Some
experts advise us to 'talk about it'. As a consequence of my
reading widely in Positive Psychology, personally I am no longer an
advocate of always talking about things. I don't think that woman
was morally bad, or being toxic on purpose, I think she has her own
issues.But the revelation for me was that I am NOT her therapist to
solve them for her.
Ultimately, toxic friendships are in the eye of the beholder. It
was toxic to me. I don't think she even realises how she made me
feel.
What are the signs of toxic friendships?
My personal view is that the key sign of a toxic friendship is
that after you spend time with that friend you consistently feel
drained, used and sometimes even abused.
In line with my Positive Psychology approach, I figured that
rather than spending too much time thinking about toxic
friendships, I am better off thinking about great friendships. I
wanted to be clear in my own mind about what good friendships
should look like. It might sound simple, but it isn't. You should
try it; ask yourself what you think a great friendship is
about.
For me it turns out that a great friendship is one that
energises me. A great friend is someone that after I spend time
with them I feel energised and supported. That's not to say that I
don't want to support my friends in their time of need. I
absolutely do. But some people seem to thrive on drama and are
constantly and consistently in need of your support. To me a great
friendship is one that feels reciprocal where I can turn to them
and they to me and it isn't lop-sided. It also occurred to me that,
for me, boundaries are important, especially now I am a wife and a
working mother. So a great friendship is one where the boundaries
are clear and everyone knows where the lines are.
Finally, I realised that I like my friendships to be EASY, where
you just stream along. You don't have to constantly worry about
what they're thinking/feeling/doing, you hang out, you have fun,
you disclose what needs to be disclosed and there isn't much
drama!
Back to Sally
I haven't told Sally all that, I might do so. I think Sally is
an amazing friend whose friendship I cherish and consider myself
very lucky to have her in my life. I also think Sally should ask
herself who are the friends that support her and energise her and
who are the ones who just keep on taking and taking because she has
so much to give.
In any case, I'd love your thoughts on this subject!
© Professionelle Ltd 2008