Perfection - is it your friend or your greatest enemy? How many
of us know someone who is a little (or a lot!) like the character
of Bree Hodge from Desperate Housewives; although her home
and image is perfectly immaculate this somehow only seems to
isolate her from the others.
How much of our lives are frittered away trying to be perfect;
worrying about having the perfect job, relationship, home or pair
of shoes?
There is nothing wrong with striving for excellence. However, if
you cross over into the obsession of perfection you could be
damaging your work, health, relationships and yourself.
Inner Critic
The relentless voice of our inner critic is symbolic of
perfectionism. Everyone has an inner critic. It's that little voice
that pops up when you least want it to and reminds you of your
failures and shortcomings, "I should have done a better job than
that, my boss isn't going to like it". However, it's when you
constantly criticise yourself as a person, that you once again
haven't met the impossibly high standards that you set for
yourself, that perfectionism becomes a problem.
By becoming aware of that internal voice and meeting it head on
you take away its power. Rather than resisting it or ignoring it,
focus instead on acknowledging it and recognising its flaws.
Benefits vs. Costs of Perfection
Perfectionism is not necessarily an evil that must be banished
completely. An analysis of the costs and benefits can reveal those
parts you wish to keep and those you wish to remove from your
life.
Although each of us will have a different cost/benefit analysis
I thought sharing my analysis could be useful to others:
Benefits of Perfectionism
- Feel very organised
- Feel very disciplined
- Keeps me motivated to grow
- Confident that I can do a good job
- Confident that I can achieve whatever I put my mind to
- Always want to do my personal best
- Am dependable and reliable
I'm sounding pretty good so far!
Costs of Perfectionism
- Procrastination
- Health issues including stress, anxiety, depression
- Energy to keep up a certain image
- Lose track of myself
- Not taking the time to nurture that part of myself that needs
to relax and unwind
- Tendency to be a control freak
Now that is not sounding like someone who is easy to work or
live with. The costs of my perfectionist streak are all too clear.
Even when writing this article I've had to deal with
procrastination as I had doubts that I could write an article that
was unique enough to be published.
My Story
As a recovering
perfectionist I am now constantly on the watch for my inner critic
as I know that I can be very hard on myself. I had always thought
of my perfectionist streak as an asset because it meant that I
always did an excellent job at work. It took me some years to
realise that I had become my own worst enemy: I was spending longer
and longer at work in an attempt to give everything the Rolls Royce
treatment when it wasn't always required.
Spending longer and longer at work, skipping lunch breaks
because there was so much to do, not having regular exercise (even
though I loved it)… life became a busy rush that revolved around my
work. I know that I can't have been a pleasure to work for either;
I had impossibly high expectations of those around me and when
others make a mistake I was not very forgiving. I liked things to
be done my way which meant that I was very controlling and missed
opportunities to give my staff more scope to make different
suggestions. This is not a great way to live but it's astonishing
how many of us live our lives in that way.
We perfectionists are generally not very kind or compassionate
towards ourselves. For us, nothing is ever good enough so we get
little or no satisfaction from what we have achieved.
Effects of Perfection
Another exercise I found useful when taking a serious look at
what perfectionism was costing me was to make a list like the one
below. Do any of these items resonate with you? Can you add any
more?
Cognitive (thinking)
- Constant worry
- Relentless inner critic
- Inner judge
- Unrealistic goals
- Mind churning over negative thoughts
Physical
- Feeling tired
- Not sleeping well
- Constantly tense
- Headaches
- Queasy stomach
Social
- Isolation (my home isn't good enough to invite friends to)
- Feel like you are boring or uninteresting
- Social anxiety
Emotional
- Sad
- Depressed
- Feeling down
- Angry
Beware Of A Shift Of Energy
You can easily
become aware of the shift of energy that results when you move from
a positive striving for excellence to your detrimental perfection
obsession.
Imagine you have a
project, be it work, a dinner party or a kid's birthday party, that
you feel excited about and start to plan. Watch for shifts in your
energy from contentment to anxiety. Are you wishing you'd never
started the project or wishing that others would give you more time
or help? If you become resentful of the time you are spending then
you may have shifted to a fear base - and perfectionism loves it
there.
If you are unable
to catch this behaviour to start with then simply be aware of the
after effects as these can highlight any energy shifts that
occurred.
Reframe Your View of Perfection
Forever chasing
the myth of perfection can be very time consuming and exhausting.
We all need to recognise that life is messy and difficult and that,
sometimes, good is good enough.
I know that it can
be hard for a perfectionist to honour themselves and to give
themselves the time they need. These days I'm much kinder to myself
and focus on enjoying the ride as much as the result.
Be kind, gentle
and loving to yourself. You are your own best friend so stop for a
moment, put aside the to-do list and take a moment to breathe.
Give yourself a
break from chasing that illusion of perfection!
Acknowledgement
Andrea Jordan is currently crafting a new lifestyle for herself.
She has retrained as a coach and is passionate about personal
development and supporting small businesses. Her clients benefit
from her 13 years of corporate law experience, as well as her newly
acquired internet marketing skills.
Andrea is also available for writing assignments; both technical
and creative. You can read more about Andrea, and her
recent conservation volunteering trip to D'Urville Island at
http://www.learndiscoverbefree.com/ or email andrea@learndiscoverbefree.com