I was so moved by "You're Wearing That?" I suggested to Galia
that it was worthy of a review for Professionelle members. Galia
not only agreed, she persuasively convinced me to provide this
review!
Insights at a Book Club
It started at a recent book club
meeting, when the discussion among the seven or eight women present
turned to our mothers and the complex relationships many of us have
as daughters. If your book club is like mine, the conversations are
extremely wide ranging with the book of the month only being one
possible topic we might cover in an evening! An American friend
mentioned this book as one that provided a very real insight into
what really goes on between mothers and daughters.
The book's author, Deborah Tannen, is a Professor of Linguistics
at Georgetown University in the US so it has the rigour of academic
analysis but also explores very real interactions. The book
provides a compelling focus on what Tannen describes as the most
fraught and passionate connection of women's lives: the
mother-daughter relationship.
I found so many issues and ideas in this book resonated with me
and I would often excitedly read them out to my husband only to get
a quizzical look and the reaction "Well, of course, I could have
told you that!" Perhaps we don't see what is right in front of our
eyes. For me, this book has provided some crucial illumination.
Conversations with our Mothers
"You're Wearing That?" contains fascinating analyses of
different conversation chains where seemingly insignificant remarks
have such power to spark intense reactions based on a lifetime of
conditioning and in-built response. I was intrigued to read that
many of the familiar conversations I have with my mother are not
unique but are played out across phone lines around the world.
I am not the only woman whose mother, upon being told her
daughter was speaking at a conference or meeting, would ask, "What
are you wearing?" This has always irritated me as I would have
thought the more appropriate questions were "what topic are you
speaking on?" or even "How do you feel about speaking - are you
well prepared"? But as Tannen explains, many of us work in
professional areas that our mothers are not familiar with, so the
topic we are speaking on may not resonate with them. In asking what
clothes we intend to wear, our mothers are not trivialising our
achievements. Instead. they are trying to establish a point of
connection with us and to show they care by ensuring we look our
best.
Undercurrents
Another topic examined is that of message and metamessage. The
metamessage is the underlying meaning behind words.
A common complaint is that daughters wish their mothers would
just come out and speak plainly to express their needs and wants.
Tannen shows that in today's Western society we value people who
express themselves directly but she also explores the idea that
indirectness and silent communication are much valued attributes in
many cultural systems and have their own merits. While we might
wish our mothers could be more upfront, she counsels patience and
making efforts to understand the true meaning behind the spoken
words whose good intentions can often be poorly expressed.
Much of this book is common sense. Nevertheless, I have found it
has given me insight into not only what might lie behind my
mother's thoughts and words, but also into my own reactions and
trigger points. The result has been what I hope is a better attempt
by me to react not only to my mother's words but to try and
understand what she really means to say!
It's All Your Fault
A common thread in all relationships is our willingness to see
another person as being at fault and our own behaviour as
faultless. Tannen describes this in the context of mothers and
daughters as each person wanting to be seen for who she really is,
but tending to see the other as falling short of who she should
be.
The frequency and amount of conversation between mothers and
daughters is one of the many reasons given why misunderstandings
occur. It is apparently very common for many women to speak to
their mothers several times a week for several hours in total, as I
do with mine, but interestingly mothers and sons and fathers and
daughters usually speak far less frequently.
A powerful message from this book that I have discussed and
agreed with many women friends since reading it is that we often
treat our mothers in a worse manner than we would ever dream of
treating anyone else! Tannen's view is that from a young age, we
are aware our mother's love is unconditional and therefore able to
be taken very much taken for granted. This realisation alone has
made me try to be more mindful during my conversations with my
mother.
Criticism and Complaints
The parallels of control and criticism are also explored with
many women reporting their mothers always criticise them and
mothers complaining they have to walk on eggshells with their
daughters. One of the memorable insights of the book for me is that
when we ask our mother for advice we are really asking for her
approval: subconsciously, we value our mother's approval very
highly.
It also seems that many mothers, when asked for advice, believe
it is their duty to provide correction as they did when we were
children and they are disappointed when we reject their input. It
makes sense, then, that many of the women interviewed in the book
who report having close relationships with their daughters realise
what those daughters truly seek and try to provide unconditional
approval rather than criticism, however constructive, wherever
possible.
Final thoughts
As I read this book I was in the last month of my third
pregnancy and now as I write this review I am only a few days away
from giving birth. With two beautiful little boys already and not
knowing the gender of our new addition, this book filled me both
with trepidation at the prospect of having a daughter and
experiencing such a complex relationship myself as a mother, and
also a very real sorrow that I might never get to have such an
opportunity.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who has a mother or is a
mother and hope that you too get to enjoy the insights that I have
experienced from reading it.
This book was published by Random House, 2006. It is available at Amazon.
Comments and Recommendations
If you've read this book, what were your thoughts? Do you have
recommendations for other books that you can pass on? Please let us
know.