QHi there, I'm not sure if you can
help me, but I thought it was worth a try. A friend came to see me
yesterday with her girl who's a pre-schooler, the same age as mine.
My friend seemed really unhappy and made comments about how she's
not enjoying motherhood at all and sometimes thinks she doesn't
like her child.
Before she had her little girl she was a business consultant
and her husband is also a professional who works quite long hours.
She doesn't want to work at all, but she also doesn't like spending
time with her kid. She rejected all the suggestions I tried to make
and she just seemed really negative and unhappy.
What really got to me is that seemed so selfish, all she
cared about was herself, not her husband or her child. It just
seems really unfair on her little girl.
I really think she needs to do something, but not sure what.
Can you make any suggestions?
AThank you so much for your question.
Although I have a Masters in Psychology, I am no clinical
psychologist and would like to make sure I qualify my answer with
that important proviso. I did, however, ask Paula E. Dennan
Dip.Psych(Clinc), M.Soc.Sc.(Hons), MNZPS, ICP, MSESNZ Registered
Psychologist (Clinical) to ensure I provide you with accurate
information and to add some further comments, which I'm sure your
friend will find very helpful.
The reason we decided to answer this question in this forum
despite not being registered mental health practitioners is because
we are aware of many professional women who feel this way after
having their first child. If Professionelle can help by providing
women who are in similar positions with accurate and up to date
information about their options, than we're doing our job! And by
having Paula provide her input we are also confident the
information will be accurate and current.
Self Absorption and Depression
Your friend may well be depressed. However, she needs to be
diagnosed as such by a qualified practitioner. The thing about
depression is that one of its major symptoms is self-absorption.
According to Martin Seligman's Authentic Happiness:
The depressed person thinks about how she feels a
great deal, excessively so. Her low mood is not a fact of life, but
is very salient to her. When she detects sadness, she ruminates
about it, projecting it into the future and across all her
activities and this in turn increases her sadness.
By realising that self-absorption is part of being depressed,
you might find it in your heart to be tolerant of her while she's
feeling so low. Social support is very important, and your
friendship will mean a lot to her.
Depression is insidious but unfortunately quite common. Your
friend is not alone. Over the years I've met many professional
women who felt very low after having their first child. As
professional women, we tend to think we've got it all under
control. We believe that once we have a child we'll be able to
master mothering with the same excellence we've mastered everything
else in our lives. And then we actually have the child..!
The number of times I've had conversations with other
professional women about how they felt after their first child led
me to believe that with our already high standards, mothering (at
least initially) takes a big toll on our self-perception. I am
unaware of studies that empirically demonstrate it, but nonetheless
it is always helpful to know you're not alone.
The thing is that your friend, and others like her, have
extremely viable options open to them to deal with this
situation.
You can begin by suggesting to your friend one (or more) of the
following options.
See her GP
Perhaps the first thing that she could do is talk to her GP
about how she's feeling. Her GP might know her family well and
could provide safe advice to her about the options she or he feels
are the most appropriate.
Her GP can also diagnose her and prescribe anti-depressant
medication.
See a Registered Clinical Psychologist.
Registered Clinical Psychologists are professionally supervised
and monitored on a regular basis and are subjected to the strict
requirements of the New Zealand Psychologist Board. Only
psychologists who are registered with the New Zealand Psychologist
Board under Health Practitioners Competency Assurance Act 2003
(HPCA Act) and its subsequent amendments may call themselves a
"Psychologist" or a "Registered Psychologist". Visit the Psychologists Board website to search the
database of Registered Psychologists in New Zealand
When searching for a Registered Clinical Psychologist, your
friend would be well advised to look for one who is proficient in
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as this form of therapy has
consistently been shown to be very effective with treating
depression.
According to Psychology Information online, Cognitive
Behavioural Therapy works by changing the pessimistic ideas,
unrealistic expectations, and overly critical self-evaluations that
create depression and sustain it. Cognitive therapy helps
individuals to develop positive life goals, and a more positive
self-assessment. The therapy works at changing the areas of the
person's life that are creating significant stress, and
contributing to the depression. Behavioural therapy is used to
develop better coping skills.
According to The Royal College of Psychiatrists, Cognitive
Behavioural Therapy is the most effective psychological treatment
for moderate and severe depression and is as effective as
antidepressants for many types of depression.
Join a support group
According to the Mayo Clinic, joining a support group is often a
valuable addition to professional treatment, when it comes to
depression. Support groups help depressed people feel less alone,
find new coping skills and motivate them to stick to treatment
plans. They also can be a source of hope for recovery and a more
enjoyable future.
The clinic also has a useful article on choosing support groups.
Useful links
- New Zealand based
- Australian based
- Australia has been very proactive in recent years around
raising awareness and reducing stigmatisation of mental illness.
They've invested in programmes and developed some excellent
websites which are highly recommended by professionals in the
field. One of these is Beyond Blue. It's an initiative by the
Commonwealth, State and Territory governments to provide national
focus and leadership on depression that will increase the capacity
of the broader Australian community to prevent depression and
respond effectively to it. Their website has practical tools and
resources and information for sufferers and their carers.
- Black Dog Institute: this is an educational,
research, clinical and community-oriented facility offering
specialist expertise in mood disorders - a range of disorders that
include depression and Bipolar Disorder (formerly called "manic
depression"). The Institute is attached to the Prince of Wales
Hospital and affiliated with the University of New South Wales. I
highly recommend this one as it has excellent online FREE resources
to help you learn about the different types of depression and the
best methods to treat each one.
- PANDA
(dedicated to postnatal depression): PANDA is a Victorian,
not-for-profit, self-help organization that was formed in 1985 to
provide confidential information, support and referral to anyone
affected by post and antenatal mood disorders, including partners
and extended family members. PANDA also produces and distributes
accurate information about post and antenatal mood disorders to
health professionals and the wider community.
- General sites
- Psychology Information Online is a web site
that provides a central place on the Internet for information about
the practice of psychology. It is a privately owned website which
provides information about the practice of psychology for the
benefit of consumers and psychologists.
If you think you'd like to see a registered psychologist, Paula
E. Dennan Dip.Psych(Clinc), M.Soc.Sc.(Hons), MNZPS, ICP, MSESNZ
Registered Psychologist (Clinical) can be e-mailed on
pdennan@hotmail.com
Do note though that her diary runs two to three weeks ahead but
she can refer on and field enquiries where relevant
Other Tips?
Does anyone out there have any hard-won advice on this
always-challenging topic? We'd love to hear them and share them.
Please contact us on info@professionelle.co.nz.
© Professionelle Ltd 2008