Me - I am a stay at home dad or SAHD
(pronounced like Sard, the laundry wonder soap. I swear by it…
sometimes swear at it, too, but I digress).
Hard case that the Sunday Star Times (18 Nov '07) has just
started a series on being a bloke. But it adds a bit of breadth to
the discussion, I suppose.
I reckon there is too much talk around the economic aspects of
the gender debate. I have absolutely no problem with my partner
(not wife yet - I have asked her numerous times to marry me but she
always says no … bugger) earning more than me. Hell, I contribute:
last financial year, I sold 2 sculptures that I'd made, meaning a
gross personal income of $943.75, GST inclusive.
Please excuse me if I get a bit personal and appear irreverent,
even flippant. This is a serious issue and needs serious discussion
but, hey, my day job is now caring for a 4 year old and making sure
our home and relationship runs pretty smoothly - you gotta keep a
sense of humour. And sometimes, when important issues are being
debated, it can be more meaningful and relevant when they are
linked to a specific, real, human, rather than theoretical,
situation. So this is a bit autobiographical - here goes …
What is a typical SAHD? I have no idea if I am typical. There
are not that many of us around where we live and we are a mixed
bunch. Spontaneously meeting at the local café after play group,
sharing coffee with other parents (M and F) and kids playing on the
floor is more me than the SAHD group out Petone way that got
coverage in the DomPost a year or so ago. They meet weekly at a pub
with the kids … ahh … not me.
Making my transition from paid career man to SAHD presented
challenges, most prominently in the areas of personal identity,
self worth, and social connectedness. But perhaps being nearly 50
when this all started, and having been through the wringer of
divorce, the collapse of the NZ export apple industry, being a
working sole parent to 3 boys, returning to university to get a
recognisable/marketable qualification (not much call for my Diploma
in Agriculture - sheep and beef option post Rogernomics), all gives
me a different perspective from most SAHDs. Maybe the fact that I
am SAHD to my second family (20 year gap and 4 years of being free
of dependent children) is also an unusual situation.
Well…. I am a baby boomer farm boy and proud of my heritage. I
reckon I have been just about as gender stereotyped as a guy could
be. A powerful phrase from my early years when I was shepherding
was, "Boys will be boys and girls will be mothers". That's pretty
un-PC but, hell, that's what it was like and that's where I have
come from. Hey, even smokers got preferential treatment and job
opportunities back then. Inherent in that stereotyping, I reckon,
was that my identity was strongly linked to my work, my
productiveness, my being the hunter-gatherer-bread-winner. Looking
back, I lacked maturity and coupled with an absolute vacuum of
alternative role models (e.g. Rob Muldoon) it is understandable I
acted the way I did.
In the late 80's when my wife returned to the workforce, I had
to shoulder the after school care of our 4 children. I did it
poorly because my identity and self worth still came from the farm
(or orchard as it was then) and the gender stereotyping was just
too well entrenched.
So what is different for me this time around?
I really think maturity and life experience are important
differences. Yes, there has been social change and maybe there are
more role models to emulate ... ahhh… no I don't think so for me.
The biggie is that I have made a career choice: my career now is
SAHD.
I don't receive a salary for pursuing this career so there are
financial implications for our family that we must manage. But
those financial implications do not loom large in our
consciousness. This makes me wonder just how much "financial"
reasons for both parents working are self imposed and an
individually defined construct (reflective thinking not judgement).
Our household income would be substantially higher if I was in paid
work, leaving a significant surplus (profit) after out-sourcing
those parenting/ home making functions I carry out during the
nominal working day. Wouldn't the economics theorists shake their
heads and tut tut at my recalcitrance for refusing to conform to
economic theory? Are the financial pressures so often referred to
more perceived and self imposed rather than real? One of my sons
works on a dairy farm, has 3 children and they are managing pretty
well on 1 income.
But how has the career choice made it easier for me?
For my self worth and identity, I need to know within myself
that I am doing work that is productive, worthwhile and
appreciated. I function best when my loyalties are not divided.
Accepting the career choice of SAHD pretty much achieves those
elements, particularly in the loyalty field. I never have to trade
off my parenting responsibilities against the
expectations/commitments of an employer or project because of the
demands/needs of my family. For me that is huge, it is empowering,
it is motivating. It is equivalent (for me) to the autonomy that
Debbie Mayo-Smith and Mary Lambie identified in their interview with Galia as a
benefit each enjoys.
Just being around my daughter, around other stay at home parents
and their kids, seeing my partner enjoy and thrive in her paid
career choice, knowing that we are a cohesive family team is very
rewarding. I reckon stay at home parenting has been one of women's
best kept secrets. Just like any job, there are times when it is
frustrating and frantic, when it is the best …and worst job in the
world. But for me, I would not swap it for all the tea in China (I
threw that in for my mum, she uses phrases like that … I am a
coffee addict).
There is more to come - call this instalment one. My just 4 year
old has woken from her nap and it is a spectacularly beautiful
Sunday afternoon in Wellington - my work responsibilities call.