A couple of months ago, I started to reflect on the year that
was rapidly passing. This was a little early for me; usually I do
my reflecting during the summer holidays, but this year was a
really big one. Loads of challenges on all fronts, some of which
were pretty tough to say the least. My personal approach to tough
or challenging times and experiences is to make sure I capture the
learnings in a conscious and mindful way. Whenever something
happens I ask myself (or my husband and my kids):
- What are the learnings?
- What can I take away from this experience to help me ensure I
don't have to keep experiencing it.
One of my biggest learnings this year has been the importance of
setting clear boundaries.
What do I mean by boundaries? I mean being clear about who you
are, what your role is in whatever it is that you're involved with,
and how to say no to things that trespass across that boundary. Of
course, the key to having clear boundaries is having enough
self-insight about who you are and what you are prepared to share
or to do in terms of information, time, effort or emotional
energy.
Professional Boundaries
When I work with people and groups, be it as a coach, a
facilitator, or in a professional capacity in my other business
interests, I often observe how we treat people with clear
professional boundaries with greater respect, and how we tend not
to try and trespass those boundaries. By contrast, people who don't
have such clearly defined professional boundaries tend to be pushed
further and further to take on more and do more. Nothing is
actually said, but that pressure exists, and I see how they
struggle to say no, or else realise too late that they should have
said no earlier on!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I learned my professional boundary lesson very early in my
career. I was on a very demanding 20 hours plus a day international
project with a very difficult client group. At the time I felt it
was my job to do everything for them, and I mean everything! I
noticed that the more I did the less they appreciated me, and yet
they expected me to do even more and more work.
My colleague however, was much clearer about her role on that
project. From the outset, she laid down the rules and set very
explicit expectations: 'this is what I am here to do, this is what
your role is, and that's how we'll work together'. The clients
tried their luck with her, but she pushed back - politely and with
a smile, but firmly nonetheless! And to my dismay, they respected
her far more then they did me.
That was a good lesson learned, and professionally I have never
done the same thing again. Granted, in some professional
environments, particularly in professional services, there is an
expectation that you'll do everything for the client - if they say
jump, you should reply 'how high'? However, throughout my career,
both as a professional services provider, and as a client of these
services, I have consistently found that it's the providers who
know and maintain clear boundaries who the clients treat with the
most respect. The clients also seem to appreciate these providers
more and use them more. I am a firm believer that the things we say
'no' to define us.
Personal Boundaries
Needless to say, that since that International project
experience, I've been very clear about my role, my expectations and
what I am prepared and not prepared to do in professional
situations. But I have to be honest and admit that I haven't
necessarily had the same level of self-awareness in my personal
life. I think it is much harder to set boundaries in your personal
life, or when you're dealing with something you feel very strongly
about.
Perhaps the emotional involvement in personal matters clouds our
good judgment. Research will back me up on that with the 'fight or
flight' theory of negative emotions. When we feel a strong negative
emotional response, our ability to think broadly and creatively is
compromised, our vision narrows and our body tells us to choose
either to fight the person who is a threat or to flee the
situation. Rational, self-reflective thought processes do not come
into it.
The trick is to recognise when this is occurring, then take a
step back and re-establish the boundaries. What I have observed, in
myself and others, is that once they are established, you still
have the option to lower them again when you feel safe about the
situation.
An Analogy
Sometimes, when I discuss this concept with friends or clients,
they are a bit puzzled as to what I actually mean. So I started
using the analogy of a physical fence between houses. Picture this,
you have no fence between you and your neighbours and they have
young kids who love coming over to play with your kids. At first
this is really nice, but as some family issues arise in their home,
they start to eat all three meals at your place, and you find
yourself bathing the kids every other night.
You are getting desperate and feeling helpless because your
increasingly close relationship with the neighbours' kids is
beginning to interfere with your relationship with your own
children. The boundaries, both physical and emotional, are just not
there.
So you build a physical fence, you've thought about it for a
long time and now is the time to do it. Almost overnight, the
neighbours' kids stop coming around so often. You have time to be
with your kids, and you return to having a civil and friendly, but
more distant, relationship with your neighbouring family. After a
few weeks when you feel things have settled down, you send your
kids to invite the neighbours for a play-date and maybe dinner
again. The relationship warms up but it is under your control now:
you invite them when you feel you are able to, and they pick up on
your lead and back off to give you more space.
On Control
I learnt this year that no one ever gives us control, over
anything really, but this is especially true when it comes to our
boundaries. We have to take that control. We have to be mindful of
our boundaries, both professionally and personally in all areas of
our lives and check with ourselves that we are comfortable about
where they are. If need be, we should be able to assert our
boundaries and re-establish them if we feel they are being
trespassed.
You might be thinking right now that that all sounds very
logical, but how do you actually do it?
When I was younger, I found it really, really difficult to do.
Over the years, in many different situations when I realised (and
often after a very long time) that boundaries have become blurred
or non-existent, I found it very hard to re-establish them at a
more comfortable level. I remember feeling very unsure and hesitant
about how I should go about achieving that. I knew the lack, or
blurring of boundaries was wrong and un-helpful, or even unhealthy,
but I didn't know what to do. Fortunately, with age comes wisdom.
The key to knowing what to do is having self-insight and trusted
people around you who will always provide you with a healthy
perspective so that you can regain yours.
Keeping a Healthy Perspective
Having perspective is crucial. Usually people around you have
noticed that your boundaries are getting too blurred, but for a
host of reasons they might not tell you. The key is to first
recognise that something is not quite right.
In my experience this comes from listening to your 'gut'
feeling. Picture this, a colleague starts coming into your office
every day, closes the door and proceeds to tell you about her
problematic and stressful relationship with her mother for the next
hour. The end results is that you find yourself unable to complete
your own work in time which results in you having to work late and
missing out on spending time with your loved ones - you might think
that something isn't quite right. However, you'll probably feel
conflicted or even guilty because you want to be there for your
friends in their time of need.
At this point, I try to listen to my gut and leave the guilty,
conflicted feelings aside. I specifically try to get perspective
from someone who has good judgment and who I trust. The reason
others' perspective is so important is because when you realise
that something isn't quite right you are usually emotionally
involved and not thinking as clearly as you normally would. To make
sure I am reading the situation correctly, I check with people I
trust and listen to those who care about me.
By the way, in my experience, when you invite people to give you
their perspective, they are more than happy to provide it. But you
also need to be prepared to listen and follow through if you agree
with them! That way they feel like their advice was respected and
listened to.
Stepping Back
For me, part of that process of gaining perspective involves
stepping back from the situation to give me the headspace to listen
and reflect on the advice and the different points of view. Looking
back, the interesting thing is that as I stepped back to listen to
the advice, in many circumstances, the boundaries re-established
themselves anyway without my having to do anything explicit,
Sometimes, less is more; we think words are so important, but in
face-to-face interactions body language and non-verbal messages are
far more powerful than we often realise. Sometimes things don't
need to be said and discussed and still the message can be
understood…
The 'Recipe'
- Have people around you who are wise and have great
perspective.
- Be mindful of how you feel in your interactions.
- When something doesn't feel right, trust your gut and gain
perspective.
More often than not, the act of being mindful, reflective and
taking the time to think and gain perspective will suffice.
I wish you all a wonderful break and hope you can take some time
out to reflect on your year, capture your learnings and savour your
achievements and successes!
© Professionelle Ltd 2009