Back in 2007, when we just started Professionelle, the following
question came in:
My new boss is a bully.
He finds it very difficult to relate to intelligent and outspoken
women and has made it his life's mission to provoke me.
I'm finding my working life very difficult at the moment and
feeling really depressed. I don't think I can tolerate this for
much more, but I like the company and my role and I don't want to
leave.
What can I do to improve things?
We felt so strongly for this member and went straight to work
and wrote the following answer:
We really feel for you. Bullying should be unacceptable in the
workplace but, unfortunately, it is not uncommon and some
organisations even condone it.
Because of the power imbalance, having a bully for a boss is a
particularly difficult situation to be in. It can feel like you
have no control, which is both alienating and depressing. And, of
course, it feels like you constantly have to deal with managing the
situation rather than focusing on your work.
Three Key Options
Given that you asked for suggestions to alleviate the situation,
we have tried to come up with three active approaches:
- Have a "Courageous Conversation" with your
boss - this means asking your boss to meet to discuss your working
relationship, and communicating to him that you find the working
relationship difficult. The desired outcome of the meeting is to
get him to change the way he interacts with you.
- Request professional mediation if you want to
take matters further and pursue a more formal approach. This may
happen because your initial approach was unsuccessful or because
you feel that tackling your boss on your own is not an option open
to you.
- Lodge a formal complaint of bullying with your HR
department - this is quite a drastic measure and usually
triggers a formal review/investigation process. Accordingly, you
may wish to explore other options first and make sure you have a
well-documented case before initiating such a process.
Preparing for the 'Courageous Conversation'
In our view, the key element in dealing with a boss who is a
bully is having a 'courageous conversation'. Do keep in mind that
your boss may be unaware of how he behaves and the impact of his
behaviour on you. It might be that the way he behaves has always
been condoned by the companies he's worked for, or there may be
other reasons. This of course does not justify his behaviour, but
may help you to approach the conversation in a constructive
way.
Obviously, this is an extremely hard thing to do. But crucial to
dealing with a bully is TAKING CONTROL of the situation. Therefore
we recommend the following steps:
- Write down all the actual instances of bullying, where they
happened, who was there, what was said, how the events affected
you.
- Try to think through what's happening in your boss's life. What
are the circumstances which might explain his behaviour (but of
course not justify it)? It might help you get a different
perspective to feed into how you conduct the conversation.
- Finally, thoroughly prepare for the meeting by writing it all
down. The best courageous conversations are well planned and
rehearsed. Write down your specific aims and how to structure the
conversation. For example, it's always useful to start by asking
your boss how he finds your working relationship. Ask him for his
thoughts on how you could work better together etc.
The role of HR
HR can be invaluable in helping you prepare for your 'courageous
conversation'. They should have the 'know how' to be good thought
partners as you structure your approach.
They act under confidentiality and so all your dealings with
them should be held in confidence. You can request that there are
no formal file notes taken for your file or that of your boss.
In addition, you may want to ask HR to attend your courageous
conversation meeting with your boss.
© Professionelle Ltd 2007