Over the last 18 years that I've been in New Zealand I have
noticed a peculiar shift - the socially acceptable answer to 'how
are you?' has mysteriously transformed from 'well, thank you' to 'I
am soooooo busy'. Of course, my tongue is firmly in my cheek,
but nonetheless, I think it will ring true with many of you.
My dear friend and an all-round successful journalist, Gill
South, came over for a combined play date (our kids) and a big
gassing session (us) and used the opportunity to interview me on a
piece she's writing on taking it slow on Sundays. For a while
I have been toying with the thought of writing about the opposite
of slow Sundays - the permanent state of 'being busy'. Our
musing on busy versus taking slow was the last straw.
I used to think nothing of it when people told me they were 'so
busy' - I even used to envy them in a way; they must be so busy
because they were really good at what they did, and that meant they
were in such demand, and/or they must be so popular that everyone
wanted them around! I confess, I didn't feel so busy myself,
I felt things were good and interesting but didn't feel breathless
necessarily, or run off my feet and so "in demand" as those other
people seemed to be. It did make me feel somewhat
inadequate!
But over time, people telling me how so incredibly busy they
were, become, frankly, boring. Because you see, actually, I
reflected that everyone is busy. And I started
noticing some differences in how people, and especially women, were
approaching their state of being busy.
It struck me that some women I know, who are actually
very busy, be it with huge jobs or big young families, never say
they're sooo busy, in fact, they seem to deal with life with grace
and poise and just deal with stuff. If you asked them if
their work is busy, they'll probably say it is, but that whole 'I
am soooo busy' never comes into it. In contrast many of those
other women and men who do proclaim their state of being busy at
any provided opportunity, didn't, on objective assessment, really
have as much going on in their lives, and much of that 'being busy'
was self-generated chaos.
So why the need for the status of being busy?
Those super busy people don't seem happier; they seem breathless
and not in control, and from what I know of Positive Psychology,
they aren't thriving or flourishing through this endless running
around. So, I pondered, what drives this need to proclaim and
portray this endless state of busy?
I came up with three possible answers:
Status
Well, it worked on me for a while. If you are busier than
someone else, it could mean that you are more in demand,
professionally, socially or whatever. Ergo, you have more
status. I do think this is a big motivator for many people
who simply by proclaiming they are busy - feel they are more
important and by extension that others are less.
Avoidance
If you are forever busy, running from one place to another, you
don't have time to stop and think and perhaps confront things that
should be confronted in your life. I think that this is part
of the reason why some people keep piling on things to do on
themselves, not giving themselves a chance to stop, take a breath
and reflect on what's actually going on.
Underestimating the importance of down time
There's has been much research on the importance of sleep being
reported recently in the mainstream media. It seems that we
have commoditised sleep and underestimate its importance for our
health and well-being. The same, in my mind, applies to
down-time. Super busy people seem to feel that every spare
moment should be filled with something. If they have a 30 minutes
gap, they'll fill it with a networking coffee or a phone
call. They will make appointments on weekend back to
back. And when you tell them that you're doing 'nothing' they
look at you as if you've arrived freshly minted from Mars.
So why do I think being soooo busy isn't good for you?
We all need time to reflect and process. Throughout my
painful personal health journey, I used all of the tools I learnt
from Positive Psychology and my yoga practice, and a lot of what I
did was reflection, being present and mindful. Because of my
own experience I now believe it is extraordinarily important to
re-assess yourself day to day so that you don't ever get to that
breathless state of being busy. And my reasons are very
prosaic.
Your health and wellbeing
I was in perfect health when I got diagnosed; the only very
subtle symptom I had was 'swollen legs'. My heart was fine,
my blood pressure perfect and I was exercising 5 hours a
week. It was very tempting to carry on being 'busy' and
ignore the legs hoping the swelling would just go away. I must
confess that there was a little of that in my head - but I listened
to those around me who did express concern (others around me were
like me, hoping the legs would just get back to normal on their
own…) and made some key decisions about changing my health
professionals over to ones who'd take me seriously.
It turns out the swollen legs were a sign that the disease was
in the heart and if left untreated, I would have probably had a
heart attack by Christmas.
If you are too busy to stop and reflect on what's happening with
you physically, emotionally, and mentally, how can you tell when an
annoying cough which isn't going away has actually turned into
emphysema? Or that some weird symptoms you are having should
really be investigated before they become something a whole lot
worse?
Throughout my personal experience I made sure I 'checked-in'
with myself, to see how my health was doing. The moment there
was any sign of anything, I took immediate action (taking a big
breath and telling myself that I am actually NOT an hypochondriac)
and nine months down the track, my specialist keeps telling me how
few complications I managed to have throughout the experience.
Our body needs us to pay attention to it rather than view it as
a nuisance when something isn't quite right and threatens to
interfere with our 'busyness'.
The health and wellbeing of those close to you
If you are forever running from place to place and thinking
about the next thing on your list, how can you tell when your
closest and dearest aren't thriving? That's actually what
strikes me the most about those people who are always so busy -
that they are not aware of the impact their own busyness has on the
people around them. To know what is really going on with your
partner and children you need time to be present and to actually
take the mental space to reflect on what's happening.
So many teenagers who find themselves in very bad situation say
they felt like their parents 'weren't paying attention' and weren't
actually there because they were sooo busy. Kids and adults
can be masters at hiding what actually going on for them - and if
you don't take the time to really look, you'll risk missing it.
Taking time to savour
I now take the time to savour all the love and well wishes I
have been so fortunate to be surrounded with. I have been so
overwhelmed by the support and kindness that so many people have
showed me for months and months. Daily, I try and take time
to actively savour it and this has tremendously helped me deal with
the tough stuff - hopefully with ease and grace.
The thing is, if you're soooo busy, when do you have the time to
savour?