You're intelligent, hard working, busy and successful - but why
do you feel so bad about it? How can you battke working mothers'
stress and guilt?
Current reality - what research shows
I recently conducted research on how stress and guilt of being a
working mother affects the individual, the family and the workplace
- the results of which are quite heartbreaking. Of the 201
responses, 91% experience moderate to extreme stress and 71%
experience the same levels of guilt. Depression, social withdrawal,
anger irritability, and aggression appeared to be common
characteristics. Negative coping patterns include drug and alcohol
abuse, unhealthy eating patterns and lack of exercise which all
contribute further to stress leading to a never ending negative
cycle.
Working mothers are constantly trying to beat time
for all the things they have to do. Interestingly, a pattern of
prioritising occurred: work, children, partner, self. In this order
they allocate time - and anger. Least time for self but most anger
toward self. Anger and irritability occur due to stress - but of
course we can't risk losing our job - so the least amount of anger
is expressed at work. Children are next in line - we let go a bit
more but of course we love our children, so who does that leave to
bear the brunt of the beating? Naturally, our beloved
husband/partner. But we do love them all, we don't actually want to
be angry, so, we feel guilty and express the worst anger against
ourselves - "I am a bad mother. I am bad wife". Sound familiar? Can
we ever get it right? We run after them, do the washing, cleaning,
cooking, shopping, and pampering in order to make up. But who
pampers us?
Break the Cycle
Stop here. What can be done to break this cycle? Can it be done?
The answer is YES. After having run several workshops for working
mothers to help reduce stress and guilt, a shift occurred in
participants' thoughts and behaviours. The outcome was that people
reported feeling more balanced, at peace, and more focused at work;
children became more peaceful and easier to get on with, and their
husband had a happier wife.
Be empowered - some strategies for balance and peace
So, what's the secret? The secret is self awareness and being
conscious of who you are, who you need to be, and what you can do
to make a change. You can use these strategies to achieve this:
- Stocktake of your current life
- Know your values
- Know your personality
- Use efficient stress and time management techniques
- Change your beliefs
Stocktake
Make a list of the important things that make up your life and
rate your level of satisfaction on a scale of 0-10. Pick an area
you wish to improve, e.g. health and ask yourself what you could do
right now to make a change. How realistic is this? How committed
are you? When will you do this? Who do you need to engage for help?
Then DO IT! Check on a weekly basis how it affected you and people
around you. What can you do next?
Values
List what is important to you. Think of times when you were
happy. That's when your thoughts and your actions were aligned with
your values. What are they? When something is not working well,
stop and ask yourself: which of my values is missing? Where am I
dis-aligned? If you're acting authentically to your true beliefs
and values, you're 'in the zone'. You're happy or at least content
and at peace. If you're yelling at your children and later feel
this nagging feeling in your gut, then maybe it's guilt. Maybe love
is one of your highest values. How did you express 'love' when you
were angry? How much do you love yourself? How can you express love
to yourself? What can you do to acknowledge yourself and be at
peace?
Of course there are so many things I could ask. But there is
limited space here. We can only touch the tip of the iceberg, but
still, you can begin to achieve results. Remember though, as my
son's school motto said: "Effort brings reward" or as my dad used
to tell me: "Nothing comes from nothing as little as nothing turns
into nothing". You will have to be conscious about how you feel.
Regularly stop and listen and watch what is happening inside. Then
ask yourself 'where am I dis-aligned? What can I do to re-align
myself with my true being?'
Personality
We are all born with it. It's an expression of our true self,
instilled by nature and nurture early in life. If you have access
to any personality tests or have done some, I highly recommend you
do one or to look back into the results. Personally, I like the
psycho-geometrics by Dr. Susan Dellinger. It's visual, easy and
effective. Learning who you are by nature will tell you how you
think and act, your strengths and your barriers. Knowing about the
different types will assist you in spotting your weaknesses and
switching place with 'someone else'. Just knowing the strength of a
different personality trait will give you an idea of what you could
do to get positive results if you're not getting what you want by
behaving your natural way.
Look at your life, in an area that your satisfaction is low and
ask yourself who am I here? What creates this? Who do I need to be
and what I can I do differently to get a positive outcome? Here it
is again: self awareness and being conscious.
Stress management
Most people know that diet, exercise and time management are
vital to combat stress management. So, why do so many still feel
that life is getting on top of us instead of us getting on top of
life How many of you DO eat healthy? How much exercise DO you do?
And how much 'me' time is on the calendar? That's right. One way to
combat stress is to allow time out, recovery time. If you struggle
finding this time, then add it to your diary, have a 'meeting' with
yourself.
Me time
YOU are important. What happens if you keep on running on full
steam? Where will it leave your loved ones when you collapse and
can't go any further? Remember, when you're flying and the mask
drops down, who do you need to attend first? You! So you survive
and are able to keep on giving and looking after others. In order
to reduce stress, ask yourself: when am I taking time off today?
Tomorrow? This week? What can you do that will make you feel good
and relaxed? How much time do you need? Sometimes spending just 5
minutes quietly having a cup of tea while sitting in the sun, feet
up, can do wonders. Be realistic. It doesn't need to be the 2hr run
or gym visit. Small amounts of regular quality time add up too.
Time management
Make a daily to-do list. Prioritise. Keep the list short and
manageable. No more than five items, preferably three. Tick them
off when done. It feels good to have something accomplished. If
it's a long list, then shorten it to a 'must-do' list. These are
the things that need to be done. Who can you ask for help? Who
else? Stop being the martyr trying to do all yourself. Engage the
kids and your partner/husband. For a week list all the things you
do on a daily basis, even the small stuff. Then look at the list
and check repetitive jobs. Apply the DDDS technique. What can be
deleted, delayed, delegated, or streamlined? You will be surprised
how much time you can free up. How can you use this time for
yourself or for quality time with the family?
Changing beliefs
This can be a bit of a challenge to do by yourself, so some
guidance from a coach is useful. If you have already one, great; if
not, find one. But if you think you want to make a start by
yourself, here are just a few things that might get you started.
When you're feeling like you're a bad mother or wife, list all the
things you DO do for the children and/or your husband. Compare it
with the donut - stop looking at the hole, the small bit you can't
eat, focus on the big yummy piece you can eat. Look at what you can
do and what you have accomplished, not the things you haven't done
or can't do. Every night list at least three things you did well
today.
Remember the benefits of working
When it comes to feeling guilty about being a working mother and
having concerns that you don't have enough time for your family:
make a list of all the benefits that come along with going to work.
This is not just the money and the fact you provide a better
life-style. What exactly do you provide? What is the benefit for
yourself, for the children, for your partner? Who else benefits? In
what way? What do you model to your family? What will they see,
learn and believe by watching mum leaving home nicely dressed,
having a career? Watch what happens to the guilt when you do this
exercise. What are the benefits of your child being in day-care?
Make a list. What would it be like if you would be at home all day?
What impact would this have on you, your family? Be specific: write
down everything that comes to your mind.
These are five powerful tools many working mothers have used to
switch their mindset. Set yourself different goals every week and
look at the results the next week. Acknowledge yourself. Keep
working on yourself. You're a marvel and it's worth every minute
you're spending on yourself whether by actively doing something or
just thinking positively about yourself. Be aware. Be conscious.
Love and acknowledge yourself. You're worth it!
Acknowledgement
Feel free to contact me (09 4782059 or 021-149 9738 or info@claritycoaching.co.nz)
for more ideas or if you would like some guidance with the
exercises. For more info on the
research read the report. You can find out
how these tools affected other working mothers and read the
testimonials.