Some of you might have read in my last piece that I was recently
diagnosed with an incredibly rare and dangerous auto-immune
disease. I was really, really lucky to have been
diagnosed. Without it, I could have had some very serious and
potentially fatal complications. I am being treated right now
and the treatment itself is dominating my life at the moment; it
includes both steroids and chemotherapy. I am told that I
should go into remission and that my prognosis is as positive as
can be. Be that as it may, this turn of events is certainly a
game changer, or as the Yiddish saying goes:
Man makes plans and God laughs
I spent a lot of time processing this turn of events so as to
deal with this change of events for myself, my family, my career
and Professionelle as best I could. I thought about blogging
about it for Professionelle, but blogging is a daily thing, and I
didn't feel it was the right vehicle for me.
What I do have now is more time: time to think and to really
work through ideas in my head. The deep thinking has
certainly helped me make sense of things and so I decided to share
the key insights that have really made a material difference for me
and my ability to cope.
I decided to do this because I think my insights might have
something to offer you, and I hope you can take my hard-won
learnings and apply them to your own lives.
Social support
It's been a couple of months now since the proverbial hit the
fan. One of the most difficult things to deal with is how
people treat you when it turns out that you are REALLY sick.
I have a big social sphere, professionally and personally; through
my career, Professionelle, my husband's work, friends, the local
community and our school community.
Social support is absolutely crucial. There has been much
research on the topic and having social support is linked to
significantly better health outcomes for people who have serious
health issues and are undergoing such intensive treatment as I
am.
I have been incredibly fortunate as I was flooded with both
offers and actual support from people all around me. Mothers
from my kids' school, some of whom I don't even know very well, are
bringing food in the weeks I have the chemotherapy. My family can't
believe their good fortune - all these scrumptious home made meals
- these ladies can really cook! Other school mums have
picked up and dropped the kids off when I don't feel able to face
the school courtyard. Throughout summer, the kids have been
cared for by my lovely friends so that I can rest following my
treatments, particularly following chemotherapy which I need many
days to recover from. As for my friends who live offshore,
they've been calling, sending me texts, e-mails and even flowers -
it has truly been a tsunami of support.
Accepting help, asking for help
One of the most wonderful things about having this support in my
life is that my friends remind me I am allowed to feel sorry for
myself and that I should accept the help and enjoy it. Like
my friend who took the kids to play in the park so I could have my
hair done and feel good, or my friend who pointed out that perhaps
taking a cab home after chemo wasn't a good idea and came to get
me. Other friends having been showing up with yummy food and
spending time with me while I am receiving Chemo or generally
moping about at home.
My husband's family have been wonderful, both my mother-in-law and
aunt-in-law stayed with me when Andrew had to go away for work.
They were able to make sure the kids' lives remained as normal as
possible.
I feel very blessed to have this kind of support because my own
immediate family and life-long childhood friends are all in Israel,
and I was not expecting such a wave of support. I have also
learned to accept it graciously (I hope) and ask for it when I need
it. This is in itself quite challenging for me, as I
am fiercely independent. I have tried most of my adult life
to rely on very few people, and to manage things on my own with my
immediate family.
This much support has truly helped. I am doing very well; the
specialist is delighted with my progress and couldn't be happier
with how I am responding to the treatment. I have no doubt
that having such extensive social support, and accepting it, is a
key part of how well I am doing.
Taking down 'fences'
So here's my first insight. To be able to receive this kind of
support, I had to take down my 'fences' - those defences we have
around us to help protect ourselves. I had to let people in
and accept the gracious offers of support with love and
gratitude. There is a reason why we generally don't let our
fences down - we don't want to be hurt so we choose to forgo the
positives because of our fear of the negatives - and indeed there
were some.
Those who didn't
While the vast majority of the people around me have been
amazing, a small group who have generally had a close
relationship with me went AWOL. Some texted me with
very 'courteous' texts that left me feeling more hurt because they
lacked any genuine feelings or regard. One even asked, on
seeing me, if 'I was better yet?' And some, well from some, I've
heard nothing.
Needless to say I was very hurt by the behaviour of the few,
particularly because of my physical state and because my guard was
down. I concentrated on savouring the behaviour of the many
who supported me, who sent me heartfelt messages, who called and
who were genuine. But I really couldn't understand the
behaviour of those few.
Being me, I needed to understand these experiences so that I
could learn from them and bring them to rest.
Clear thinking
So, I did some thinking to try and understand this behaviour.
The one thing about finding out that I - the yoga
practising, non smoking, moderate drinking, healthy eating, fit,
energetic woman - am actually really sick is that I have had
to confront my reality head-on. I've forced myself to remove as
many blinkers as possible and to take a good, hard look at the
people around me.
I have come to understand that the behaviour I experienced was a
direct consequence of peoples' values. In my view, somehow,
dealing with someone who is sick, and whose life has completely
changed reveals what people's true values really are.
On values
I have written about values on many occasions in the past.
I worked with them extensively while at Fonterra, and use them in
my coaching practice. However, I have never ever really
forced myself to look at the people around me and ask myself what
are their REAL values?
The definition I use for values is: "The things that are GOOD to
have. They are the essence of what we stand for, and should
underpin our behaviours, decisions and actions."
The supportive people who showed me and my family kindness, love,
friendship and support, certainly have GOOD values. Their
values are exactly that, loyalty, friendship, love, genuineness,
respect, authenticity and kindness. But not all people have
good values. Some people have values that aren't 'good' but that
nonetheless underpin their behaviours and actions.
Values as drivers at work
Looking back at my career and the people I've met, I've found
values to be hugely helpful in understanding what made people take
certain actions and decisions. For example, I realised one
person I have worked with valued 'winning' at all costs.
Confronted by two options to resolve a conflict, one which would be
a 'win win', and the other which would most certainly result in
some form of kerfuffle, they would inevitably choose the path of
conflict. Opting for the win-win would not allow them to
emerge as the winner.
Looking back, I realise how strong this value is in explaining why
they always seemed to be 'at war' with someone or other. It
is my impression that the 'winning' value is so overwhelming for
this person that it overtakes any other values such as loyalty,
friendship or kindness.
Other prevailing values that aren't 'good' but are extremely
common with certain men (and women) in the business world are of
course power and control. Those people's decisions and
actions seem to be focused on obtaining power and control over
others. I am sure as you read these words specific people come to
mind. They use whatever means necessary, and unfortunately
sometimes with great success. Some of them also
understand that loyalty is a great way to have power and control
over others and they know how to foster it. Although people
may be loyal to them, I don't think loyalty is a value they
themselves hold; rather they use it as a means to an end - for
power and control.
Values in friendship
It is easier to think of one's career than it is to think of
one's personal life but in doing so I realised that there may have
been people around me whose values might now be incompatible with
mine. I realised that there are two other classes of values,
which I have never articulated but which are actually are quite
prevalent; status and hedonism.
I realised that some people really value 'status' and their
decisions and actions are driven by it. They seem to be
driven by others' opinions of them and how they are perceived - and
therefore their friendships are a means to an end. For them,
it's about the Status of friendships, not about the value of
friendship per se. Perhaps the reason I haven't heard from them, is
that now I am simply in the 'too hard' basket.
Hedonism was another value I have never really thought
about. Hedonism as a value to me is about being driven by
having a good time, good food, good wine and good company.
Some people who were great fun to be around in the good times have
virtually disappeared following my diagnosis. On reflection,
I've realised that perhaps it is as simple as that: I can no
longer be relied upon for 'fun'. I might cry; talking about my
illness is yucky (I do try not to do too much of it); and all and
all being with sick people doesn't fit, when enjoying the good
things in life is what primarily drives you.
One value versus many
The last thing I realised is that if you can summarise a person
as having one or two overarching values, that person is likely to
be quite one-dimensional. I hope that many values describe me
as I certainly hold many. Respect, authenticity, love,
loyalty, professionalism, making a difference and a quest for
excellence are the values I try to live my life by. These
values are certainly true of the people who did show me tremendous
kindness. I can't just tell you the one value that they stand
for. Those who didn't, well, it turns out that I can.
So I made peace and realised their behaviour reflects on them.
Lessons
An ancient Hebrew saying goes:
Show me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are.
What does the fact they were my friends say about me?
I realised two things. The first is that over the years, my own
values have changed. If I am truly honest, before working at
my values and articulating them clearly to myself I do believe
status was one of my values. Therefore, it is not surprising
that I gathered people around me who valued it as well.
My second realisation, and one that I feel very strongly about,
was that I wasn't careful about who I let in. I have come to
realise that it is essential for me to sit down and consciously
think about the true values of the people around me. I will
no longer try and avoid these discussions, even though they can be
hard. My poor husband is now forced to have these explicit
conversations with me, which he enjoys about as much as watching
chick flicks.
Nonetheless, when you ask these questions you reach some very
interesting answers which hopefully means you will be better able
to protect you and yours.